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What does your coffee say about you?

This week, Rogersville-based coffee roaster Ed Kuhlman tweeted an article from Australia titled “Your choice in coffee says much about you” that I found humorous but also pretty accurate as well. An excerpt from the new book, The You Code, the article involves the work of body language experts Judi James and James Moore as they attempt to decipher what your favorite mode of caffeine consumption says about your personality, your self-esteem, your stress levels and even your sex life. Don’t take it too seriously, though.

I’m borrowing heavily here to save you the click through to the other site, but the article breaks down the different coffee drinking styles as follows:

Espresso drinker
They consider the espresso to be the “unfiltered cigarette of the coffee-drinking world”. Espresso drinkers tend to be moody, hard-bitten and hard working. They are into leadership and fast goals. They don’t suffer fools but are hard living and prone to “night-time shenanigans, followed by a rather louche attempt at day-time repair”. The espresso drinker can be an experienced, exciting and consummate lover but is not known for reliability or unswerving loyalty.

Black coffee drinker
This black coffee drinker is all about minimalism and takes a no-frills, direct approach to life. The black coffee drinker can be quiet and moody but prone to brief bursts of extroversion. They can be a difficult but potentially rewarding friend, colleague or partner.

Latte drinker
According to the book, latte drinkers are typically metrosexuals or cuddly-toy collectors, and they are often pleasers with an overwhelming compulsion to be liked. A latte-drinking boss will use a baby voice to tell you off. By taking a dark and dangerous drink and turning it into a comforting milky bedtime beverage, latte drinkers reveal that while they may want to come across as hot-shot contenders, they have an immature side.

Cappuccino drinker
Like their drink, cappuccino drinkers are all froth and bubble, bored by detail and liking – but not obsessed with – material objects. They tend to be extroverted and optimistic. “Freud would have a field day here,” write James and Moore. “Cappuccino froth gives the tongue the mother of all workouts and is all to do with the physicality of the experience rather than the basic consumption of the beverage.” The cappuccino drinker enjoys sex but is easily bored by an unimaginative partner.

Instant coffee drinker
Instant coffee drinkers are cheerful, straight-forward types who like a laugh and live by the maxim “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. But instant coffee drinkers can be unadventurous in their careers (and their coffee?) and need to let others see the hidden depths in their personality. The no-nonsense instant coffee drinker is allergic to pretentious behaviour, say James and Moore, and they are likely to keep on their socks during sex.

Frappuccino drinker
Flighty and shallow, the frappuccino drinker will try anything once – especially if a celebrity has done it first. They fancy themselves trendsetters but send out the message that they are someone who favors style over substance. The frappuccino drinker’s relationships often last as long as their drink choice.

Decaf soy milk drinker
A self-righteous eco-worrier and attention-seeker with a tendency to be picky, fussy – and squeamish in the bedroom. What’s more, this faux choice implies a pretentious, high-maintenance type who wants what they can’t have and is disguising their true personality. “If caffeine gives palpitations and cow’s milk brings you out in spots, there’s little hope for you in the cockroach society that is city dwelling,” James and Moore conclude.

Non-coffee drinker
Unfortunately, the verdict isn’t good for the non-coffee drinker. Being, frightened of coffee equals frightened of life, say James and Moore. If the taste of coffee puts you off, you really are a child, they say, and it’s time to join the world of grown-ups.

I really enjoyed this brief commentary on each type of coffee drinker and what you can expect out of each. How well does your coffee drink preference describe you? I think that when you look at the different styles and personalities behind each, there’s some truth behind the humor. They left several drinks off their list — caffe mocha, caffe macchiato, espresso con panna, and more — and I encourage you to come up with your own personality styles for the missing drinks and add them to the comments on this post.

The book The You Code was released in January from Vermillion Press. Thanks to Ed Kuhlman for the lead on the article.